Where Would You Like to Eat Dinner Tonight?

Suppose, let's say, Jonathan Franzen is ... the Lawry's of contemporary American Literature.

Freedom: A Novel

What's that make Jennifer Weiner? The Der Wienerschnitzel of contemporary American Literature?

And how about Jodi Picoult? Wouldn't she be, then, the Hometown Buffet or Norms of contemporary American Literature?

Der Wienerschnitzel is fattening, empty-caloried, unappetizing, and just generally gross food, much like the slop 'n' glop Weiner dishes out upon each new release, and yet she considers it should be considered fine cuisine that Wolfgang Puck or even the New York Times should rave about.

Well ... Fuck you, Der Wienerschnitzel! Fuck you, Sauerkraut! Fuck you, Chili Cheese Fries Dipped in Ketchup! Fuck you, Corndogs and Mustard!

So's Hometown Buffet: Fuck you food, that is: fattening up the ying yang, mass produced like flavorless correctional institution food that's, like, "Grody to the max," as Moon Unit Zappa once sang in her novelty hit, "Valley Girl," with her late great Pop, Frank Zappa. And Norms? I suppose if you've lost total sensitivity in your taste buds, it's good, but my God, it is just so ... so fucking normal, Norms, so mind numbingly short order cooked Hamburger Helper that doesn't really make a good meal, no matter what the contrary marketing slogan asserts otherwise.

And that's just The Plain Truth, Jodi. Why don't you go Picoult on somebody else your own size, like James Patterson? He's as formulaic as you are! They don't review James in the NY Times, do they? So why should they review your important "work."? Isn't People's "picks-and-pans" good enough for you? No? Then why not try getting your mainstream drivel reviewed in Ladies Home Journal instead?

Gimme a nice steak and baked potato from Lawry's any day, over Jennifer's and Jodi's unappetizing, under-cooked Ca Ca.

Here's to Jonathan Franzen winning the National Book Award for Freedom, like he's done before, and deservedly, for The Corrections -- a big seven course feast of a sumptuous novel -- and having the dignity not to rightfully rub his award in Jennifer's and Jodi's envious, smear-campaigning mugs, the Twitches. "Twitches" are "tweeters" who are "bitches".

The Corrections: A Novel

No, Jennifer, I do not want one of your Weeners. I've got my own. Get away from me, Twitch! You stink of nasty Chili Dogs!


  1. Now, now,now. Have you read the work of either of these ladies? Although I agree that you wouldn't place them in the same class as Emperor Franzen, at the same time they're not purveyors of fatty, empty-caloried slop. They both write solid, character-driven domestic melodramas. Their writing is not fabulous and literary, but at the same time, it's not terrible. More like a good TV dramedy put side-by-side with a film by Scorcese: each is good in its own right, one is just "higher" art than the other.

    I'm just sayin'.

  2. Plus, Jonathan Franzen is such an awful snob. I still haven't forgiven him for his snooty Oprah debacle. The woman made him a bestseller and THEN he backs out of his agreement to appear on her book club.

    Power to the people!

  3. Yeah, but ... Jonathan Franzen was David Foster Wallace's best friend. Ergo, since I can't defend DFW anymore, his best friends the next best cause.

    Dude can write almost as well as Wallace, no matter whom he dissed in epic (and, granted, unforgivable) fashion!

    I love Oprah. I've never been such a snob myself, as to swear off of anything she honored with inclusion in her millionaire-making, book club. Er, excepting Cormac's The Road, of course! Silly me!

    My wife reports I'm absolutely WRONG WRONG WRONG about Judi and Joanifer (what are their names?) and that I should be ASHAMED of myself.

    Rest assured, Becky, You, Thou, My Favorite Former and Present Online Bookseller of All Time, Enrique Freequeo mas embarrioso regarding commentario Weener & Picolo!


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